You can now paint any room in your house any color you want because it’s YOURS bitches, so off you run to Home Depot.

On the downside, you are now shopping a lot at Home Depot, which means playing the time-honored game of “Who actually works here, and who is actually certified to discuss the aisle I’m trying to shop in?”

You come away with avocado green and a bloody red you assume will dry darker (much like blood), blithely laughing off the paint clerk’s raised eyebrow because it’s not like these are both for the same room!

But then it’s time to tape off the walls you’re painting, which is certifiably the worst, and also you have to keep the door to the baby’s room shut because his window doesn’t have a screen and even though you bought no-VOC paint you would still like to have an open window while you work.

Avocado green was an EXCELLENT choice and now you and your husband are brainstorming elaborate ways to turn the baby’s room into the set of Jurassic Park, and no you are not joking.

One of the cats barges in anyway because he’s 17 pounds and he can open unlatched doors with his head, so you waste a few minutes chasing him away from the open window and then holding him down so your husband can clean his feet with baby wipes–even though he didn’t walk on the walls so why are they damp??

Also your baby doesn’t want to take a nap because “HOLY MOLY WHY ARE MY WALLS GREEN??” so your husband puts him down in the living room and inadvertently you come one step closer to the adorable cat-baby friendship you’ve always wanted but couldn’t see happening due to all the unfortunate tail-pulling.

Since you’re a bit of a project-a-holic you decide to paint the kitchen accent wall that same afternoon, and hope against hope that the cats won’t do something foolish in the middle of the night and run bloody footprints all over the house.

You finally go to bed content in the knowledge that your baby can’t get overexcited by the walls due to it being so dark, though he wakes you up at 4 am anyway because that’s just how he rolls.

He falls back asleep and you decide to take advantage of the following 2-hour reprieve to quietly go about your morning routine, which includes relighting the water heater because there’s a piece of glass missing over the pilot light and you no longer have a landlord to fix such things–and you definitely need a hot shower because your arms and shoulders are hella sore from paint roller-ing.

Also it’s been raining and it is crazy dark outside because there are no lights on your street and it’s overcast to boot, so you need to use a camping lantern to get to the water heater. It is pretty hard to find the camping lantern and what you really need is a flashlight to help you find a bigger flashlight.

But when all is said and done: the water is warming up for your physical therapy shower, the baby is sleeping in his dino-green bedroom, and you get to enjoy a hot cup of coffee and admire your kitchen accent wall because damn, that is a nice shade of red.