Whenever I see one of the ubiquitous “life hack” mega-posts so popular on Tumblr and Facebook, I inevitably think, “If I had time to complete any of these time-saving life hacks, I wouldn’t need a bunch of life hacks to save time!” Which then made me realize that over the past year adjusting to life with a baby, I too have found ways to economize my daily routine.

Here are my truly practical suggestions on ways to save time when you have none to spare.

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Eat only dry, one-handed breakfast foods. Bagels are ideal in their bland non-toasted, non-cream-cheesed form. Why? So you don’t spill hot oily globs on your pants while eating in the car on the way to work.

Are you looking ragged and need some personal grooming? Why, there’s no better time than kiddie bath time to pluck those brows or shave those legs. Your kid is having fun, he’s well within arm’s reach in your microscopic single bathroom, and you’re not leaving him unattended in the water. Tweezer away!

Who needs a high chair? Place your baby in a walker and toss food on the toy tray. He can zoom around the kitchen and eat while you load the dishwasher and microwave yourself the most nutritious dinner your freezer can provide.

Only run errands at stores that reside on a direct route between your job and your home, to minimize travel time. The economy is now a subcategory of geometry.

Better yet, does a trusted friend or loved one have an Amazon Prime account? Order that shiz. Is it possible to order a haircut online? It isn’t? Okay, order that movie you never got to see in theaters and get your hair cut on the way home from work instead.

You know what? Your hair has been short for years. Let’s see how you look in that patented, all-natural style known as, “Have a sister trim your split ends once in a while.”

Finally: nap time. Your kid’s nap time, I mean. You don’t need to nap. You don’t need sleep at all anymore! You have transcended this plane entirely! Singularity Mom wisely uses nap time to get shit doooone.

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So there you have it, everything you need to know to accomplish your most vital daily activities–and nothing else.