As usual, I couldn’t sleep the other night, so I rested my body in bed and fantasized about which badass ladies I will have in my crew one day, when I inevitably have the clout and technology necessary to make them all real.
The leader of our squad, of course, is Warrant Officer Ellen Ripley. She’s the gruff mom type who makes all of the tough but ultimately practical decisions. When the rest of us inevitably eff up the plan, however, she’ll be there to swoop in and save our asses with her flamethrower ablazing and blow that monster out of the goddamn airlock. She might yell, but it’s only because she cares.
Backing her up we’ve got some brooding muscle: Xena Warrior Princess and Imperator Furiosa. Both of these ladies have rough pasts and a grim desire to atone for the wrongs they’ve committed by helping others. Xena’s done a better job retaining her goofy sense of humor, but don’t piss either one of them off or you’ll get your ass handed back on a platter. Warlords, post-apocalyptic dictators, gods? Sorry. You’re not getting through this line of defense.
Our warriors will take the brunt of the hand-to-hand combat, but the more sensitive members of the team still shouldn’t be trifled with. Mako Mori has been waiting most of her life for this team-up. “This is for my family!” she cries, as Xena holds her back. Xena, of course, wants to shelter her beloved teammates from going down the same difficult road she did, but at some point she’s got to let Mako rule her own life.
All this combat means we need a reliable doctor on the team, but she’s also got to hold her own in a lot of unpredictable, life- and world-threatening situations. What do you do when you need a doctor? You call in Martha Jones, of course! When she isn’t patching up the rest of us knuckleheads she is heading up her own missions and saving the world.
It’s possible that our enemies will pose a more metaphysical threat, which is why we also need a couple of witches on board: specifically, Vanessa Ives and Hermione Granger. Vanessa can be fragile and needs the love and support of her team to work through hard times, but if anything comes creeping up from hell to mess with us you better believe she’ll bust out some Verbis Diablo and destroy everything they hold dear. After which she’ll get some good mom hugs from Ripley because she deserves it dammit. “Close your eyes, baby,” says Ripley, and shields her from the rest of the fight.
Hermione is our youngest member, but she is also the ideological heart of the team. Her brilliant research and enthusiasm for noble causes rejuvenates the rest of us when it would be too easy to succumb to cynicism and despair in the face of overwhelming odds. She’s our Lisa Simpson, but with the added bonus that she can also disarm and disable our opponents with numerous clever spells.
We’re going to encounter a lot of strange and interesting cultures in our intergalactic adventures, which is why we need an experienced explorer with advanced linguistic training. Nyota Uhura it is! With all the tortured souls in this crew, it never hurts to have another level head pointing out the obvious and holding the rest of us to some class. The answer isn’t always busting heads. Sometimes you need a little diplomacy. Or sometimes you just need to lock Mr. Adventure in a closet while the rest of the ladies get on with things.
Finally, when all else fails, when absolute evil is bearing down on the world and nothing else can stop it, the fifth element herself pops up in glorious Leeloo ex machina and saves the day. “What is love?” she asks, but the answer is obvious. It’s the support of your gals when you need it most.